MOSCOW, RUSSIA– President Vladimir Putin of Russia has recently hired Hollywood actor Steven Seagal to use his world-class martial arts skills to easily defeat the entire Ukrainian army in less time than it takes to watch one of Seagal’s movies.
Seagal, who’s been living on and off in Russia for years, accepted Putin’s offer and guaranteed the Russian president that he’ll take down the Ukrainian bad guys in approximately an hour and a half, minus time for the opening and ending movie credits.
“I have no fear of death, more important, I don’t fear life,” said Seagal in a whispery voice in reference to the big budgeted fight scenes that lie ahead. “I’ve been blessed with the martial arts skills of a thousand men. The harmonious movements of my Aikido training will flow through the numerous stunt doubles who will be performing all my fight scenes in the upcoming battle.”
The Hollywood actor refused the weapons offered to him by Putin, saying he was born with a serious spiritual consciousness and will use the specific teachings of Buddhism to overcome the enemy.
“I love Russia, and I’m not scared to say it,” said Seagal as he practiced his meditation skills. “But I also love Ukraine. No one knows where the rigors of battle will take them or what twists the movie may have. Perhaps halfway through the film I could end up taking down the Russian army as well. My talents are limitless.”